Another life

I have this weird feeling that I don't want to be here... In this life, I don't want to be running around town all day long looking for patients and then crashing on my bed exhausted. I don't want to be thinking of all the papers I need to write tomorrow. I don't want to be responsible for my life, yet have very little to do when it seems to be shaking. I don't want to be investing my time and energy in something that might not come to be at all...
In my mind, I imagine this free life of traveling, and crazy night hikes, of coffee with the sun rise on the beach, of my old film camera in my hand and a silk skirt on my hips under an Eiffel tower, of wet grass on my feet and sun in my face and wind in my hair and salt on my lips, of irresponsible actions and unimaginable moments - of young life that I somehow skipped...
Maybe I shouldn't have started thinking of children and family so early in life, maybe I shouldn't have placed all these responsibilities on my poor head before I even tasted the free life. Straight out of school into college, straight out of first love into marriage, straight out of childhood into adulthood. Now I feel like I missed something great, something I had to grow tired of first, before I got where I am now... Maybe I worked too hard on guarding my thoughts and actions, on keeping myself at a balance...
Or maybe I am just tired, stressed, and discouraged... Because I love my husband and want to have his children and take care of our house, and build our life together.
My head tells me that I should erase these words and shoo away these thoughts, but my heart whispers that when this is over, I will buy film for my camera, find a silk skirt, load new music into my ipod and go somewhere where the air tastes salty, wind is cool, grass is wet, sunsets are breathtaking, and thoughts are light... After all we can be free together.

Lately

Just like that the day I spent five hours taking my board exam came and passed, my parents came back from their trip, and half of my spring break is gone. My mommy brought us a little terrarium and a pretty plant to live in it, I sure hope it will survive, but for now it just sits pretty on our kitchen window.
Also my hubby and I played Monopoly a couple of days ago, it was fun, but I felt really bad for taking his game money.
I finally bought the supplies to wire my doll house, now the whole family is working hard to put lights into every room.
Tomorrow is the first time that our crafting club is meeting at my house! I am so excited!

Pink Spring

It is Spring here in Vegas - blooming, gentle, cool, and recently rainy. I am excited, because this is the season of change for me. I am going to be done with this hell called Dental Hygiene School. Also because I love the weather here during this time. The only thing I can't stand is the time change - waking up at 5am now is not great at all!
Things happened here, little things, but I want to share them now that I have a second. So buckle up for a few posts in a row, because I don't want to stuff it all in one big mumble. For now, welcome my pink Spring, I have been waiting for you for so long!

Apples

I know it has been a while since I wrote anything, and at times I feel a desire to blog, but I really can't seem to find a good topic. It has been a good two day weekend for me, filled with lots of reading (that book I accidentally picked up during my last book store visit, is magically captivating, and I can't even say why), and a bit of knitting, but nothing big to write about or even think about.
So, as this little gift of rest is coming to an end, I feel compelled to write about apples. Yes, apples - I use to love them as a kid, but only when my grandma would cut them in quarters and decore them, I would engulf them many at a time. They were from our own trees, mind you, and were ten times more flavorful and delicious than any I tasted from the store. But today as it nears midnight, I, all of a sudden, felt like treating myself to a quartered apple, as I try to cram as much reading as I can before falling asleep.
Life is good!

BAD

There is going to be no heart cookies for this Valentines... I saw them in the recent Martha Stewart Living magazine and thought I would make them, but it is not going to happen. Maybe I should start writing a blog about what I wanted to do, but instead went to sleep. Because I do feel very tiered, and would prefer sleep over cookies or anything else for hat matter most of the time... Oh, school, you wretched creature, leaching all my patience and strength out of me, please be over soon, because I don't think I can take it any longer...

This week - whining

This semester is absolutely exhausting! Every week I have to get out of my bubble in a whole new way - teaching kids in elementary schools, participating in various community events, going finding patients, talking to patients... What happened to plain lecture, sitting in class with a cup of coffee and a cookie?
Add to that the fact that the stress makes me vulnerable to cold and I got sick for the third time in two months! This had NEVER happened before. And the fact that I have to wake up before the sun rise does not help the situation. Oh and I now wake up at night and can't sleep anymore too, me, who never had problems sleeping!
Ah, you get the idea. God helps me, and that is how I survive.
Both Jenya and I are tired and angry. And we are being jerks to each other quite often unfortunately. This is the most challenging it has ever bin for me! And not being able to blog, being lucky if I even feel like crafting or doing anything at all after all of that, is very depressing for me. However I squeeze in bits of hand-making there and there. I try to treat myself to some lovely little things like magazines, books, or fabric to keep my spirits up. And tomorrow is our crafting club and I already bought the fabric, washed, and ironed it so it is all ready to be made into hexagons!
So that is my week of whining and here are some good things that made it to my instagram.

Superbowl Sunday

Almost a week ago, I invented Superbowl knitting for myself. We were invited to a party but I don't know anything(and I mean anything at all) about football, neither do I care for commercials. How foreign of me, I know. What I do care about is my friends who were going to be there, and a little bit about chicken wings... So I knitted the whole time and it was fun, I tell ya! Ofcourse it raised some eyebraws, but I like my quirky sekf, so I definetely enjoyed it.

Nostalgia (I might make it a series)

Only eight years ago I could not have imagined that some day I will be parking my Infinity next to a jewelry store to take my diamonds in for semiannual inspection (at any age, let alone 22!) Heck, if someone told me that I would have any car, or a place of my own I would laugh long and hard! Now granted it is not all that glamorous, my Infinity is over ten years of age and the only diamonds I have is my wedding ring, still I find it funny that the thing I craved the most for the past week is this simple desert from Soviet Union times of my childhood.
In the land of any possible food imaginable, I am having my tea with wafers covered in cooked condensed milk and with every bite I purr from the divine pleasure. So weird! Do you remember it, do you know what I am talking about, people? These wafer sheets and you just spread condensed milk on them layer by layer? Our whole "cake" was gone in one day, aperantely my hubby finds it very indulging and addictive as well, no surprise as although we were born in practically different countries, the limitations of the post Soviet Russia and Ukraine made our lives very similar to one another, which I am grateful for!
I think we are going to make more, and it is delightful to think that my future children can have it and love it as much as their parents did when they were kids.

Sick with a day and a half to get better!

I am officially sick! And my last semester starts Tuesday so I have less than two full days to get better. I don't think that my patients will appreciate me coughing on them...
Funny thing is I actually like being sick when I can stay in bed and feel sorry for myself. And today one of those days, except I am feeling good enough to not lay in bed but instead sit and work on my little projects that I will talk about later.
So it is hot tea with lemon for me all day and chicken broth in the evening.

Stuck -> Unstuck

I am stuck in my own silly head! And this time in a bad way. It has been a while since I did that, but I think I'm becoming more and more... depressed I guess, scared also, and definetely numb. I feel sick just thinking about going back to school. I am not ready for all the pressure, stress, and constant monitoring and evaluating. I am just not ready.
I also have been thinking even if or when I finish, what is next? I want to make mistakes, try things, move places, regret moving and come back... I want to get a big dog and think why did I do that, I want to be free to try things. But I can't. Because I have responsibilities. I wanted to be an adult so that I can be free to do whatever I want and now that I am, I have less freedom then I ever had.
So that and much more is going on in my head right now. Not good at all.
I'm sure I will come out of it stronger than ever, with more ideas, hopes and dreams. For now it is the little things I try to cling to. One of them being my mommy taking me shopping - what can be better right? Clothes makes everyone happier, and it sure gave me a little boost. The rest is going to come I am sure. I wish I could write about cold weather, hot tea, knitting, cozy slippers, and many other soft and cuddly things, and they are all there, I am just being real - I don't feel all that at this moment.
I am just going to take it one step at a time.

Nostalgia

Isn't it interesting that the good memories also make you sad? I wonder why is there a longing to that past that we are so readily recall. Being nostalgic is a mixed and complex feeling. It is amazing how a cup of tea and wafers and a can of cooked condensed milk can take you right back to that long past childhood, where everything was simple, where there was no grey only black or white - good or evil, where there was no death, where someone took care of you, where you were at peace. Having this late evening tea with the little treats of my childhood made me also realize that I still have that longing to my dear Ukraine, that I am still some times home sick... I thought I was over that. Yet somehow, unexplainable thing happened - the sadness  the memories of the things that will never come back, the nostalgia made me happy.
Happy and sad - we immigrants and grownups always are.

The love of slow mornings

One of the things I am definetely enjoying during this winter break is the slow mornings. Slow and lazy, which makes me feel guilty, but I remind myself that these twenty-something days are for that purpose - to be lazy and to gain strength for the last battle (my last semester in dental school). So there is always a cup of tea, blog reads, then I go back under warm blankets and read or crochet. I know I will be remembering these days with envy very soon. So I am enjoying them while they last.

The end of the world

We spent our last day on this earth sliding down the slope on a tube, drinking hot drinks in the snow, playing board games, and enjoying the cold weather outside. Not a bad last day if you ask me. But since my dear beloved husband had to work today and couldn't be with us, I am happy we get to live a little more so that we can repeat this fun with him and then it will be perfect!
It is three days till Christmas! I am to make a Christmas eve dinner and we are going to have so much fun! I can't wait!

Getting ready

Tomorrow we are leaving to the snowy mountains of Utah for a couple of days. I am so excited! But preparations are needed as I am determined to get the maximum experience out of it!
So excited to take my newly acquired Dental Hygiene Class of 2013 hoodie - can you believe it - 2013! And I finally get a chance to ware the softest hat, mittens, and scarf that ever existed! My mommy and daddy brought it for me from their occasional travels (they are 100% alpaca) and oh so beautifully hand made!

I am also taking my standard set of things - a favorite read, a current Martha Stewart magazine, my album and some pencils, my trusty camera, and of course my current project.

Wintry, snowy mountains - here I come!

Enjoy YOUR winter!

Today was the last day of my third semester in Dental Hygiene program. It was a bit of hell, but it. is. done! Done, I tell ya! So what to do now?.. Well here is my list:
Read favorite book (The Hobbit at the moment)
Practice drawing
Finish some projects
Go Christmas shopping
Clean up the house
Eat hot chicken noodle soup
Drink hot chocolate
Bake
Cook
Go somewhere wintry
     -Make a snowman
     -Go sledding 
Take more photos
Get an upper back massage
Sleep in (!)
Hang out with my friends
Drink tea and chat with my mommy
Cuddle with hubby in the mornings
Listen to favorite music all day long
Admire our Christmas tree

Can it be true? Yes, MY winter begins! My lovely, cold, snowy winter begins! Today!

Movies I want to see

I don't like television, we don't even have cable in our house. I like to deliberately pick what I want to watch instead of aimlessly cram my head with garbage that I don't really need. I pick my movies, and refuse to see what I don't want, and whenever I compromise, I always regret later.
In my mind, I'm already imagining how we are going to have movie nights with our kids, and they are going to be an event, not random occurrences.
I do the same with music, I feel like if I don't like it, then it is distractive and annoying. We often argue with my hubby because of that, as he listens to many things that, if I wouldn't know him better, would push me away from him...
My likings can change, but I feel like filtering what I subject myself to is a very good way to nurture the feelings and thoughts that I want at that moment. But of course it doesn't always work that way... Anyways...
So here is my list of movies that I want to see. I might be adding to it too.

The last day of Fall

It is the last day of Fall...
And it is barely starting here in Vegas. But I am ready for winter. I am ready for this semester to be over, for our house to get repaired and cleaned, for the weather to get colder. I am also excited about going somewhere cold and snowy for Christmas.

Little lamb

I made one a couple of weeks ago and was determined to make another one a bit bigger. I purchase wool roving in two colors that same week and started knitting, but what was suppose to be an evening project, got abandoned and turned into a two week project.
But today it is done! I had a few minutes today and just sat on the floor of my bedroom and finished it! Now my little lamb has a bigger friend. They both reside on my pillow and I am in love with them! They remind me of someone bigger and stronger having my back - be it God, my mom and dad, or my husband - and it warms my heart to look at them. I am the little fluffy and soft lamb and I have a few pretty, big, and strong lambs looking over me and helping me through life...
Am I too weird? Lol

Lately

Lately my life has dramatically but temporarily changed - my in laws are visiting and now it is five of us in the house instead of two. It is fun, but with school and all, I have no time to even check my e-mail, or read the Bible, or read up on my blogs, or craft, etc.
in return I get to come home and food is ready, I have someone to enjoy morning coffee with and have fun conversations.
Lately, our grandpa has not been feeling well at all and I don't even know how I feel about it all. One thing I know, is that I am relying on God more than anything now!
Lately there has been a lot of cooking, shopping, tea drinking, talking, and laughing in this house.
Life just keeps going, even when you feel like you don't have a grip on it anymore...

Sunday Inspiration

Today I am determined to look for beauty around me.

This song made me tear up on my way to church today...
Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is a piece in the middle of a war
If we try to leave, let the God sand Angels to guard the door
Love is not a fight, but it is something worth fighting for

After church I stopped by Starbucks to have them grind my coffee, and couldn't resist to treat myself to a very sugary breakfast - maple oat scone and eggnog mocha - yum!

Yesterday I made myself stop and spend a couple of hours knitting a little project I found on this creative and beautiful blog. As I listened to classic music and warmed myself up with hot green tea and coconut milk, this little lamb came to life... Fluffy and soft, I now am obsessed with idea to make a big one! Just need to find materials.

I am loving the little flower that Sonya and Mila got for me on this craft show they attended! I am wearing it everywhere  Thank you!

I am also finding beauty in organizing my clutter. Since my in laws will stay in my crafting room, I had to take care of all the clutter that had accumulated there. When I was done - it looked beautiful! I was also very happy to note that I have acquired quite an amount of high quality yarn - mohair, wool, cotton, bamboo, silk, and merino... makes me drool!

I am still in process of cleaning but I stop to read some inspirational stories from a Russian priest and a writer Andrey Tkachov. Here is one I really liked, and I am going to translate it to English:
The air is like God. It surrounds us and we don't see it. When we don't  have it, only then we realize how much we need it.
The sun is like God. It can warm up, but it can also burn. Its' fiery disc cannot be looked at without hurting your eyes. Every living thing longs to it. Every living thing consumes its' power. 
The sea is like God. When it is clear and calm it is like the tenderness of Big to little. When it is angry and stormy - you can't argue with it.
A man is like God. When he feeds his family and will fight for it. Also when he says little and smiles rarely.
A woman is like God. When she feeds her newborn and gets up at night when she hears her baby cry. When she is dissolved in her children and forgets to think about herself.
So many thing in this world are like God. Why are there so many atheists?  

That is it for now, but I am determined to continue looking for beauty in everyday life. It is the only way I can survive all this craziness.