Saturday, March 30, 2013

Another life

I have this weird feeling that I don't want to be here... In this life, I don't want to be running around town all day long looking for patients and then crashing on my bed exhausted. I don't want to be thinking of all the papers I need to write tomorrow. I don't want to be responsible for my life, yet have very little to do when it seems to be shaking. I don't want to be investing my time and energy in something that might not come to be at all...
In my mind, I imagine this free life of traveling, and crazy night hikes, of coffee with the sun rise on the beach, of my old film camera in my hand and a silk skirt on my hips under an Eiffel tower, of wet grass on my feet and sun in my face and wind in my hair and salt on my lips, of irresponsible actions and unimaginable moments - of young life that I somehow skipped...
Maybe I shouldn't have started thinking of children and family so early in life, maybe I shouldn't have placed all these responsibilities on my poor head before I even tasted the free life. Straight out of school into college, straight out of first love into marriage, straight out of childhood into adulthood. Now I feel like I missed something great, something I had to grow tired of first, before I got where I am now... Maybe I worked too hard on guarding my thoughts and actions, on keeping myself at a balance...
Or maybe I am just tired, stressed, and discouraged... Because I love my husband and want to have his children and take care of our house, and build our life together.
My head tells me that I should erase these words and shoo away these thoughts, but my heart whispers that when this is over, I will buy film for my camera, find a silk skirt, load new music into my ipod and go somewhere where the air tastes salty, wind is cool, grass is wet, sunsets are breathtaking, and thoughts are light... After all we can be free together.

1 comment:

  1. There are some days like this but they will be gone soon. Love you, Nichka!