Sunday, September 30, 2012

I am

Today at church they were talking about being present and the message really spoke to my heart. They were saying that God is eternally present he is "I am", as He Himself called Himself in the Bible, meaning that He always is, not was or will be.
I feel like I am an agenda kind of person. I need to have some kind of idea or a plan for a day, a week, a life. I examined my heart today to realize that I plan way ahead and concern myself with things that are not even up to me. Even with wanting kids I sometimes begin to think it through (when I finish school how am I going to work if we will have a baby right a way, or if we wait then how much longer would we need to wait, or maybe we should try and get pregnant now while I am still at school, but then what if I get kicked out from the program, then I will not be able to reapply...). Why do I bother if it is not even up to me. It is up to God and I want my husband to be ready for it too.
Even crafting and blogging, such an innocent and good thing, I turn into a plan, because I want to finish this, or write about that. So when my husband comes home I give him just enough time to feed him and ask him how his day was and then go back to whatever it is I need to achieve today. I will be really honest here (I think it is very important to learn to be honest with yourself) sometimes he wants to hug me or kiss me or talk to me or cuddle, and I yell at him to leave me alone because "can't he see I am doing something". What? Something more important than the dearest nearest person in the whole wide world? The future father of my kids, the present head of our family, the one thing that God sent to me to cling to and love and cherish, and finishing a blanket, or uploading a photo is more important?! No! It shouldn't be! Nothing is more important than loving. It doesn't matter what you were doing five seconds ago - fighting with each other, eating, or blogging - if he is ready to love you (kiss your toes, pinch your nose, tell you about whatever it is he just discovered or remembered, give you a hug, or say "I am sorry", tell you a joke, or just plain stare at you for a while, hug you while he is falling asleep, or share his worries with you) then it is time to put everything aside and love! Because the truth is, once you do, it will soften your heart and you will forget all the hurt and importance of whatever it was you were up to before, because nothing is as important as giving and receiving love. But you have to be present - not just your body, but your mind and your heart also.
Now I am also a dreamer, I like to think about things that might happen in the future that I really want, like having a house, having kids or being pregnant. Having dreams is natural, but sometimes I get carried away and it is like I want to be there already, so I miss the present moment. School is hard and times are tough now, but I have so much to savor and be thankful for. I come home and I can relax, I still belong to myself sometimes and can do what I feel like doing. I assume it will not be possible when we have children. I am in process of learning, in the middle of becoming someone new, I am full of hopes and dreams about the future, I have intimate moments with my husband it's just two of us now and we can do whatever we like - that some day might not be possible and I should cherish those moments now.
I get so caught up in my dreams that they become an agenda and I feel like once I get there, life will be easier and more pleasurable. The reality is it might, but it might not. And that is just fine, because life is great now. Sure things will come, when it is time. There is time for every activity and we should cherish every second of this life we are given. It is hard, but acknowledging the fact that it is much needed is a first step.
A second step for me would be to set up reminders on my iPad about six times a day, to remind myself in this whirlpool of life that I should be in the moment, that this moment serves a purpose and that it is going to be just fine!
Today is the day that I choose to stop being I was, or I will be, or I should be, or I could have been, and instead lean into the wisdom of God and become a tiny bit like Him and be I am.
P.S. yes, mommy, I know you told me so, just two weeks ago, and you were right, and I am sorry! I just had to see it for myself. You would think by now I would start listening to my mom because she know better, but I guess it takes even more mistakes than that...


  1. Thank you for sharing this very important thoughts. I think who can appreciate every present moment, creates the best past and future.