Today in church they were talking about being honest with yourself, taking fearless inventory of your deeds and feelings and being able to say "I'm sorry!" I thought about it and all the instances I said "I'm sorry but I did it because..." came to mind. I tend to explain and excuse myself after I say I am sorry. This week my husband wanted to cuddle with me, but I was too busy doing who knows what. So I yelled at him to leave me alone. This of course hurt his feelings. The first thing I did was try to explain why I did what I did. Then as I proceeded with something about we had a deal and I don't have much time, I realized how absurd it sounded so I stopped. And he left me just sitting there, my excuses didn't sound convincing to him either... Well the next thing I know my face is in his neck as I am crying and saying the simple words "I'm so sorry" For one short moment.I became honest with myself and realized, that I rejected the love of the dearest person, because I was too busy doing something insignificant, and there was no way to explain it any other way, but that I messed up. I did, and do every day - that's what we do, we mess things up. It is very hard though to honestly repent and wholeheartedly reject the deed, push it away from yourself, instead of making it part of your life, yourself even, by explaining why it was ok in your situation... So that's my discovery this week.
Here is another one - the art of letting go. I found out today that my brother went camping with all of my friends and didn't invite us once again... The feelings that came first were anger and jealousy. As I swam in mom's pool I contemplated, dwelled on those feelings as they grew inside of me. And then once again I asked myself why? All these feelings are no fun, they have destructive nature, so why nourish them? Here am i with my family, my husband is cooking BBQ, I am swimming in a pool, it is sunny, we are about to have much needed time with my mom and Donny - what can be better. So I asked God to help me let go, and of course He did. I mean, it is all the matter of perspective and my feelings are only based in my lopsided little view on the whole situation, and besides, who cares - they are having fun and so are we...
So two thing this week - letting go and saying I'm sorry - pretty deep, I think, I should do this more often.
Oh, by the way, yellow is my favorite color! These yellow things made me smile this week... And tomorrow school starts, ah, wish me luck!